Introverts and Dating

by Tiago on March 23

dating introvertIf you’re an introvert or you’re trying to date someone who seems to have some introverted characteristics, it’s a good idea to look up some of the common traits of introverts. Bear in mind that you shouldn’t go dating someone due to some criteria (like extroversion or introversion) because introverts are all different. If you’re an extrovert, it can seem like you’re trying to date someone from another planet!

In Sophia Dembling’s book, Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After, there’s a section titled “I Love You but Please Don’t Call Me” which goes into the lives of introverts and shows their communication struggles.

Some examples in the book include one introvert complaining that his wife calls him five minutes after leaving the house; he just wants to spend some time alone! Or a flight paramedic explaining that too much contact with other people is the fastest way to ruin a relationship with him; or a young man who doesn’t understand why his girlfriend wants him to call her every day.

The stories go on and on and on. Seems like introverts can be an awful lot of trouble… but is that true?

5 Reasons to Date an Introvert

  1. They won’t force you to go anywhere. By definition, an introvert is not all that likely to want to go hit up that new strip club, that new bar, or that new festival. In fact, most introverts don’t care all that much if you just say “no” to them. If they have to go to the hardware store to get something they need, they’re perfectly okay—in fact they’re more than happy—to do it by themselves. If you’re an extrovert, it’s up to you to get them out of their comfort zone at least some of the time.
  2. Introverts know themselves. The word introvert comes from the Modern Latin word introvertere, which is a combination of the Modern Latin words intro (inward) and vertere (turn)—it means turn inward. Introverts are experts at going within and understanding themselves. A lot of relationships implode because people don’t know what they want and they can’t separate needs from wants. With an introvert, there’s a good chance (depending on age) that you’re dealing with someone who is fairly mature.
  3. If you need to be alone, they understand your need. Most introverts have spent a good portion of their lives trying to get away from the hustle and bustle of daily life. They understand what it’s like to want to retreat from everything and be left alone. If you need to be alone, they won’t judge, condemn or disrespect you.
  4. Introverts are good listeners. As a side effect of knowing themselves and listening to themselves, introverts tend to be very good listeners. They give you their entire attention and make you feel more present. Also, many introverts tend to not talk all that much—and one of the ways to be a better listener is to simply talk less.
  5. Introverts like deep, one-on-one conversations. Many introverts have the habit of thinking before answering. This is one of the reasons why small talk can be difficult for people with introverted characteristics. If you’re an extrovert and you date an introvert, you will soon learn that, while an introvert can easily talk with you for hours, if you add more people into the mix, they will tend to clam up.

Introverts and Conflict

Extrovert-introvert relationship conflicts tend to come down to an inability to step into the other person’s shoes. The extrovert fails to understand the world from the introvert’s point of view and vice versa. It doesn’t help that introverts sometimes tend to be conflict-averse.

As soon as both parties learn to see the world from their partner’s perspective (and this takes some practice), a lot of problems go away because basic misunderstandings dissolve. Suddenly, you realize that your partner wanting to be alone isn’t because he or she hates your guts—it’s because he or she physically needs to spend some time alone.


Remember that all this introvert and extrovert stuff involves a lot generalizing. Not all introverts are the same and not all extroverts are the same. You will never be able to manufacture some kind of foolproof introvert dating plan. Humans all have the same beginning and end. We will at some point go back to the dust from whence we came. But in personality and character, people are wildly different.

In fact, labeling introverts as introverts tends to just piss them off!

What you can do, however, is pick up on patterns. After you’ve been around people with introverted traits for a long time, you will start to understand what makes them tick. But you can never be fully prepared for the wonderful ride that is getting intimate with a mature introvert.

When it happens, enjoy it. Introverts don’t open up to just anyone—you’re setting foot in a new world.

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Tiago uses his forbidden Internet skills to forge the basic framework of the Spiraling Up website. He teaches English in three languages on his English website. He was born in a small city in Portugal and now resides in Barcelona. His personal development journey started in 2006. He eats more lentils for lunch than you eat in a year. He’s also hilarious.

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